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Baby Horse Diaries - Starter Kit
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So you just bought yourself a baby horse? I bet you’re wondering what you’ll need to help you in this new chapter of your life! Well never fear, Baby Horse Diaries is here to answer all of your questions. To create your own Baby Horse Starter Kit, here’s what you’ll need:
1. You will need more patience than Buddha and the Dalai Lama combined. Literally saintly amounts of patience. Godly amounts of patience. More patience than any human being has any business having. If you don’t think you’ve got the time for this amount of patience, quit your job. Baby horses take all of the patience, and all of the time.
2. Several senses of humour. That’s right – your bipolar is going to come in handy for this one, because one sense of humour is just not enough to deal with all the physically offensive jokes that your baby horse is going to tell you. You’ll need to be able to anything, literally anything to laugh at in any possible scenario. The lady sitting in front of you at the funeral has a bun that looks like a hairy butt? So funny! Your baby horse just threw you into a ditch because it suddenly had to spook at the same barrel it had been trotting past for half an hour? What a hilarious practical joke! Any scenario. Any time. Laugh it up, or you’ll probably die angry in a ditch.
3. All of the money. If there is one thing that baby horses are good at, it is growing in inconvenient ways. For example, if you own a sturdy old Wintec that would fit your old TB like a glove, then your baby TB will 100% grow the flattest wither, biggest shoulder and widest back possible and promptly demand the newest Pessoa on the market because nothing else fits! If you had a nice Pessoa for your old warmblood, your new baby will sprout a wither like a spinosaurus, and your saddle fitter will offer you with her condolences a brand new Stubben and an invoice that will exhaust the next 6 months of your salary.
4. Steal some sedatives from your vet. If you ever don’t feel like falling off, give just enough that your horse can’t move, but not so many that your horse will topple over. It might require some trial and error to figure out that sweet spot.
5. Ice packs, cooling gel, and painkillers. Stock up. Stock up for the next 10 years, in case your horse is the ‘late maturing’ type. You are going to fall off a lot, and trust me, your horse will age better than you do.
6. Stock up on your favourite brand of fly sheet at the next Black Friday sale. Budget for one per week of your baby horse’s life. That’s roughly how quickly they shred them. If you have two baby horses living together, budget for a new fly sheet each day.
7. If you haven’t got health insurance, get health insurance. If you do have health insurance, get better health insurance. There literally is no safer investment. You will need it. You 100% will need it.
8. You will need more energy than any human being is capable of having. Like, you might as well just live on carbs, coffee, and Monster energy drinks, because if you are going to have enough energy to outlast your baby horse and give it a correct education, you’re going to have to find a superhuman way to do it. Maybe call in backup. Take shifts. Make it a relay. Baby horses have to get tired eventually, right? Right?
9. Make sure you always have wine and ice cream in the house, and a comfy spot on the couch to have a good crying session on those days when you convince yourself that your baby hates you and that you made a terrible mistake in buying a baby horse, because it throws you off at least 8 times a week.
10. Program your social media to only accept positive posts and photographs, so you never fall into the trap of venting online. That way, all the people in your life will judge your progress with your baby horse based solely off extremely lucky photographs taken of rare good moments. This will make them envy and resent you while they curl up on the couch with wine and ice cream and ask the universe why their baby horse can’t be as perfect and well behaved as yours.
If you have all of the above, CONGRATUALTIONS! You are now fully equipped to own a baby horse! Now grab on to your neck straps ladies and gents, and enjoy the ride! It’s a bumpy, grim, and extremely sarcastic one. |
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