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Fun Riding A Horse Without Owners Permission
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I have a dream that one day, someone will take my horse out of his paddock, climb on, and go for a ride. Oops, hang on a minute, did I say dream? Nightmare... I meant nightmare. And I’m pretty sure it’s one that many owners with horses in livery (especially at riding schools) share.
Children, experience has taught me, are generally reckless and have not yet learned respect for other people’s property, nor any regard for the consequences to their actions. And since riding schools are notoriously buzzing like a stick-poked bee hive with these little demons, it is hardly unreasonable to think that one might take a liking to your pretty little competition horse, and decide to have a spin. In fact, judging by complaints from people on the Internet, it seems to happen fairly often. So to all you children (and your unobservant parents) who think it might be fun to take a joy ride on someone else’s horse, here are ten reasons why it would be a great idea to try to ride mine!
1. If you ride my horse without my permission, you won’t have to pay vet bills when you injure him, because I’ll never know! You’d better hope Satan never finds out though, otherwise you’ll be in for a very miserable time when judgement day comes about. Naughty children who injure horses never get presents on Christmas... Oh, wait: Satan. I meant Santa. Better make sure Santa never finds out.
2. My horse is so much more powerful and far better trained than the school ponies, so obviously he’ll be much easier to ride! Assuming your idea of an easy ride involves one which is over quickly, and ends in pain and mud stains. My horse is great at causing pain and mud stains.
3. It will just be so much FUN! Like in those movies where the cowboys try to stay on the bucking horse, and then they fall off and get trampled to death. Just so much fun. Definitely a story to tell the grandchildren you’ll never have on account of being a puddle of horse-trampled mush.
4. Since it’s not your horse, you don’t have to worry about using a nice bit or protective boots or anything! Heck, you could put a piece of barbed wire in his mouth! That’d just be a swell idea, especially since it will look great wrapped around your neck when he flips over on you.
5. Because you know my horse can jump, you can jump as high as you want to! He just won’t jump with you.
6. My horse is way fitter than the school ponies, so you can take him out and gallop for as long as you want to... well, for as long as he wants to. Assuming you stay on that long. Do you have a GPS to find your way home?
7. You would look amazing on my horse. But he thinks you’d look better on the dirt.
8. Everybody will be super impressed by how brave you are riding a strange horse, and not being scared of getting into trouble. Heck, maybe they’ll be impressed enough not to mock you when you run home crying to your mommy after realising my horse bites (hard) if you don’t handle him correctly.
9. My horse is a jerk. So if you can ride him, you’ll be like, ‘goals’, or whatever. You’ll also wish you were never born after I catch you. Because then you’ll just have to ride him for me every time it’s pouring with rain and I would rather stay in my warm bed and take a nap than sit through a thousand bucky, reary temper tantrums. Sorry kid, but popularity comes at a cost!
10. If you ride my horse, then you’ll have nothing to worry about! Really. What’s the worst that could happen? You know, except for all the things mentioned above. Those could totally happen.
So if you’re an owner like me who lives in eternal fear of the ‘joy rider’, I hope it brings you peace to picture one or all of these terrible things happening to the little twerp foolish enough to ride your horse. And if you are one of those little joy riders, well... may Santa have mercy on your soul. |
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